Hunger

Hey, I lost a pound. Yay me!

I've been making an effort to not eat leftover Halloween candy (yes we, still have a ton) or snack late at night. (Nachos. Yumm.)  Instead I'm reaching for sugar free popsicles and microwave fat free popcorn.

Also, I was watching "My 600 lb Life" and the doctor was telling a patient that they were not allowed any carbonated drinks because they expand the stomach. Wait, what? Did you know that? I live on Diet Coke. So now I'm giving that up and sticking to Crystal Light iced tea.

I'm hoping that will help a little with how ridiculous hungry I am all the time. I eat! I do! But I don't like that I'll eat a meal and then 30 minutes later feel hungry again.

I am ALWAYS hungry.

Back Again

I forgot about this blog.

I also did not lose ANY weight over the months I was absent. This morning I'm up to 168, two lbs more than when I stopped writing.

And now... I'm forty. And that seems so... I'm not sure. Like I should have things under control by now? And I really don't.

So I'm back on the health bandwagon. I did week 2 of C25K with a friend this morning and I am determined to give up the mini Snickers bars and late night nachos, delicious salty goodness that they are.

There's a pair of pink pants I'd really like to wear in the spring, so off I go!

Stress

I have not lost any more weight.

I'm pretty sad about that. And angry, mostly at myself for not doing what I should be doing. As if I'm going to wake up tomorrow miraculously 26 lbs thinner.

It's been a stressful few weeks. My oldest kid was diagnosed with ADHD, which explains a lot. And now I feel badly that for 2 years I've been "stop being such an asshole" and "why can't you get your act together." He is such a smart kid- his recent testing placed his IQ at 137. But he's disorganized and lacks any impulse control. He misses out on honor roll due to conduct. He couldn't apply for a middle school STEM magnet because of conduct. He's been denied permission to go on field trips because of conduct. It's a mess.

And I guess because he's smart, and academically he's doing just fine and standardized testing isn't an issue for him, I figured it was immaturity and just being obnoxious. Some kids are obnoxious, maybe I had one of them.

We're speaking with the doctor today about medication.

My middle is severely dyslexic among other issues. He's doing ok in kindergarten, but at his last IEP meeting they were concerned about him falling behind in first grade. I had him tested by the Lindamood-Bell program. They recommended an 8 week program for the summer.

An 8 week program, 4 hours a day, 5 days a week. At $114 an hour.

Holy shit. That's over $18K.

After some ridiculous back-and-forth with my mom, who offered to help pay and then backed out, we're doing it anyway and sucking up the cost. Goodbye, savings, it was nice to know you. But this program will be a game changer for him, and my boy is worth it.

So I haven't been walking, or working out, because I've been going to meetings and reading emails, and filling out forms and being on hold with my insurance company. And I haven't been ordering the grilled chicken or the salad or the steamed broccoli, I've been eating the burgers and the fries and the caramel corn. Which just ADDED to my stress. And made me break out. :(

By Friday everything should be in place. Here's to less stress, more water, and a new week.

Inspiration

One of my guilty pleasures is watching "My 600 lb Life". Most of the times it's inspiring, the people are really making an effort and they're so positive about their future after the surgery. (Plus, it makes me feel much better about myself. )

Today on one episode a woman proudly showed off her whiteboard where she had each weight goal, pound by pound, in squares so she could "X" them out as she went. She was delighted each time she marked one square. She also said it helped her keep away from snacking, because she would just go look at the board.

I know people do "dream boards" where they write things, and cut/paste pictures, as inspiration to look at for life goals. I like the idea of that in theory, but I've felt pretty stupid every time I've tried to do one. I don't think it's for me.

But this pound-by-pound whiteboard idea? LOVE. IT.

So here's my whiteboard! (It's the only one I had around the house, so it's toddler sized.)

I really like this visualization.

I'm admitting that the "166" is kind of a "gimme" because I weighed 166.2 this morning (4 lbs down, yay!), but progress is progress.

The Unfairness

This was Thursday's weigh in.

I SHOULD be happy about that. Almost 4 lbs down in less than 2 weeks. Ahead of schedule!
And yet I'm just depressed and mad. Why is it so easy for other people to stay thin? I follow a few before/after weight loss blogs on Tumblr and while most of them are indeed motivating, some just frustrate me. How does someone lose 30 lbs in 3 months? I need a "mom" weight loss blog, with before and afters of women who have lost weight while juggling multiple kids and after school activities. Because I'm finding it super hard. I have NO time. I can't even get the laundry folded.

Sometimes I get an ego boost because someone's "after" is my "before". 

I hit my step goal twice this week. I'll be way ahead of my steps last week. And I've really cut back on the snacking. My two oldest kids both got injured playing basketball this past week. That meant I got to spend a lot of time hanging around in doctors offices.

We'll see what the scale says Monday. 

Comparisons

I am not going to hit my step goal today. And I'm torn between saying screw it and eating everything or never eating again.

My husband had a doctors appointment today and of course he got weighed. He weighs 1 lb more than me. One small pound.

I'm barely 5'5". He's almost 6 ft tall.

I feel SO FAT right now. And insanely jealous, because he eats candy and double cheeseburgers and never, ever exercises and yet his BMI is perfect. I have to calculate if I can have one slice of pizza for dinner.

I'm so frustrated and angry.

First Week Down

I didn't get to step on the scale until this morning, so I'm a day late for weigh-in. But look!

Not bad for my first week! A little over 2 lbs down. I weighed twice just to make sure. And this is after coffee! I was afraid I had wrecked any progress on Mothers Day- we went out for Italian and garlic bread is just delicious.

I did not hit my step goal on ANY day last week. I came close a couple of times, but didn't get it done. I barely went to the park, and when I did, I only walked a little over a mile. I should be doing at least 2, closer to 3. I also got done only two days of 21 Day Fix workouts.

I crushed it yesterday though. I'm off to a good start for week 2.  Looking forward to weighing in next Monday!